Understanding Your Adopted Baby
Until recently, there have been many theories about newborn babies but little known facts. For centuries, babies have been misunderstood and underestimated by adults. However, due to some remarkable infant studies conducted by leading researchers such as Berry Brazelton, M.D., Marshall Klaus, M.D., Professor T.G.R. Bower and many others, our understanding of babies is finally coming of age. What the research is now telling us is that what we have traditionally believed to be true about newborns is actually false. Babies are not simple beings who do not feel, do not think and do not grieve.
Studies have shown that babies recognize their mother’s voice, smell, and her face within four hours of birth. If babies “know” their mother’s voice, her smell and what she physically looks like, then they also “know” that their mother, whom they connected with for nine months in utero is suddenly gone following birth. When the natural evolution of this connecting in utero is interrupted after birth, the experience of abandonment and loss is then imprinted upon the mind of the baby. And the baby grieves.
Newborns who are separated from their biological mothers demonstrate grief which is often misinterpreted by adults because so many of us are unaware that the baby is actually mourning the loss of his or her biological mother. Two common themes seen in newborns being released for adoption is protest and despair. Protest is expressed by the baby raging (crying) for their missing mother. Despair begins when the hope of being reunited with her dimishes and the baby stops crying and becomes withdrawn and detached.
This is not to say that babies who are released for adoption will not or cannot attach or bond with their adopted parents. Babies do bond with their adopted parents, however each baby will begin to bond at their own speed. Some adoptive parents have reported that their babies “connected” with them within the first hour of being together while others have reported that it took a little longer to get to know one another. Just know that your comforting presence is the primary thing that your new baby needs in order to feel safe, secure and “connected” to you.
One of the major tasks of any parent, regardless if you are a biological parent or an adoptive parent, is to learn the cues and signals your baby is sending. Some adoptive parents have reported that they worry about not attaching to their new baby, not knowing how to care for their new baby, and/or not knowing or understanding what the baby may be communicating to them among other things.
It is important to remember that new parenthood brings a wide range of feelings such as happiness, joy, excitement, surprise, worry, relief, and exhaustion. Even though adopting a baby is meeting your greatest hopes and dreams, parenting a newborn is hard... so don’t be surprised. If you have any concerns about your new baby and/or your relationship with your new baby, please talk with your doctor. If these concerns continue your doctor can refer you to someone who can help you work through your experience. Seeking help quickly can prevent these concerns from interfering with your relationship with your baby. To read more about the experience of infants in orphanages, click here.
